Good Girl Addict vs. The Phenomenon of ‘Used To’

I’m beginning to think that I’m recovering. Not just from a recent foray into alcoholism, but from the last 18 or so years of my life. My mindset is the strongest it has ever been. My awareness is flat out flawless (if I do say so myself). My forward progression is pointed in a healthy and positive direction. I feel my capability, my vulnerability, my power and my fucking worth growing and growing and growing.

I mention vulnerability specifically because I’ve always seen it as a negative, as something to hide or be ashamed of. I’ve held it in my head as a weakness. That’s just not true. It’s within our vulnerability that we can see what truly makes us authentic humans. It heightens and strengthens our experiences in love, life, lust and loss. Of course, I can only speak for myself….but I like to think I’m speaking some truth for other people.

My life has suddenly found a groove in which I am thriving. I feel inspired more than I used to. I feel more awake, less checked out, more involved, more giving, less miserly with my emotion and time. I feel like the most real and true version of myself that I have ever been. And the best part right now is that I don’t need to drink to numb. I do not feel that gnawing, grating, grumble that tells me to walk in the door and pour. There’s no cacophonic deluge of emotion that must be quieted. And for a long, long time there was. It ruled my life and my behavior…But lately, it’s more like an ever-flowing river that’s just one single solitary piece of the scenery that paints my life; some days it’s smooth and calm. Other days it’s surging and wild….but not insurmountable.

And yes, there’s stuff that I am continually dealing with – e.g., all the adoption stuff, my mother’s cancer, mourning my brother and father (I don’t know if that will ever stop) and all my annoying and sometimes consuming body image bullshit. I used to feel like the sum total of all the things that happened to me and when they were all added up I was fucking worthless. I used to think that I wouldn’t heal from the years that beat me up and broke me down. I used to feel completely isolated and alone. Used. To.

Now, I see my life as wide open. I feel possibility. I feel a future I didn’t think would ever be mine. All the times I couldn’t handle my reality and decided to get fall down drunk or eat myself silly or get fucked blind by a stranger felt like tiny failures in themselves, baby steps leading me farther and farther away from knowing my worth. Now, I am beginning to feel like I matter. And not just to my family and friends…I matter to myself. I am important to me.

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